my relationship with writing
What things are easy for you to write about? What things are hard?
writing has been many things for me. i first came to really enjoy it as a teenager. my life was not good back then. mental illness was just something at the time i was learning i suffered from. i didn't know how or why, or how far it went. but i knew that writing could keep my mind off of it, even out of the entire world of reality. so as a teenager it was to escape, through world and character building. though i feel my needs, wants, and desires bled through my writing. i feel this is fine though
in my twenties writing was mostly absent. perhaps it wasn't something i needed any more. one of the feelings i had as a twenty something was that if writing was to escape, perhaps i did not deserve writing. perhaps i did not deserve to escape, when now i could look back at teenage emma and say she was doing what she does now. she keeps going, even if she had to leave this world for a while
in my thirties, writing has returned. i have a tough relationship with writing now. oddly enough this is probably when i have shared the most of my writing. i think what causes this ache is that most of what i write feels emotional. my teenage writing was, sure. but i think it side stepped the pure emotional part and instead let it bleed through from another world
i have a problem with words i use these days too. emotional, mental illness. some other time i'll use mentally unwell. have i just repeated these words to myself so much that they hold no meaning. have i had them used against me, and then in turn used them against myself to diminish the very real, very warranted state i'm in? i have. so now when i write, it is out of a need to express, but then in turn made to make me not like myself much at all
i have no stories to write that will take me somewhere else. i have tough topics i'd love to write about but at the same time they will take me back to times that i don't want to write. because they were real enough
i have plans to sharpen up my creative writing, and storytelling. so much as i feel my relationship with writing to be a tough one. in the end writing is necessary for me. and there's always time to refine, to improve. it would not be me if i did not want to improve or refine myself. to keep going forward, understanding perfection is not the goal. progress is